


Watching Makoto

by muuchan



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, Possible Unrequited Love, Rin is kind of slow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 10:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muuchan/pseuds/muuchan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Rin watches Makoto for all the wrong reasons...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watching Makoto

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Legendaerie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Legendaerie/gifts).



> The original prompt was:
> 
> I've got this weird headcanon that Rin feels like a shit older brother since, well, he kind of is compared to Makoto. So I'd love to see a thing where Rin just kind of observes Makoto's interactions with Haru/Ran/Ren and then tries to do the same things with Haru/Gou.
> 
> Bonus points if he fails at least once or twice.
> 
> x2 Bonus points if it's to try to 'win over' Haru because whoops OTP 
> 
>  
> 
> I decided to stick with hints of MakoRin and RinHaru instead... I hope that's fine :)

Makoto wasn’t a particularly interesting person. If Rin wanted to be brutally honest, he could even say that Makoto was kind of dull. He was too nice, too predictable, and too content being second fiddle to Haru. Rin never had much of a reason to watch Makoto, either.  The brunet was like a shadow to Haruka’s blinding light and next to him, which Makoto often was, Rin just found that light more dazzling and worth looking at.

Lately, however, Rin found his curious eyes wandering to Makoto more often than not, like a moth to a flame. Even though he’d established to himself that Makoto was more like the hulking shadow Haruka’s immense light left in its wake than an actual light itself.

Makoto hadn’t stood out so much to Rin, really. He could probably count the moments in which Makoto did; like the time when Haruka drowned and Makoto wore an uncharacteristically frightened face that made even Rin worry for him, or that time when he grabbed Rin by his wrist and forced him to listen to what he had to say about Haruka at the prefecturals. But nowadays, Rin noticed the way he looked at Haru, how those warm eyes studied each and every move Haruka made, and how he responded. When Haru sneezed, Makoto would reach into his pockets to hand him a clean piece of tissue without being prompted to, for example. Or when Haruka looked at something, Makoto had this knowing look  (that Rin never really paid much attention to because he was always so intent on trying to decipher the meaning in Haru's look himself ) and he would smile, ever so slightly, in infuriating understanding. Worse yet, sometimes when he spoke it was like he had reached into Haruka’s mind and read just what Haruka was thinking there. Those moments annoyed Rin and from the moment he began noticing it, half the time he wished Haruka would open his mouth and refute Makoto’s words more often.

Haruka did refute Makoto words sometimes, but these instances never seemed to bring Rin any satisfaction—probably because when Haruka did so, it was never with the intent to rub it in Makoto’s face that he was wrong, unlike the tiny voice inside of Rin that did. Sometimes, Rin felt infuriated at himself for thinking like this.

Rin didn’t just notice Makoto when he was with Haruka: he noticed how he acted around Gou too, and Nagisa, and Rei. Just like with Haru, though at a lesser extent, Rin realized how Makoto watched them with the same kind of warm (and if Rin were being blunt, he’d probably add: calculating) eyes he had with Haru. And just like with Haru, Rin found it annoying.

When he was with Nagisa and Rei, Makoto was like a steady pillar in contrast to Nagisa’s crazy spontaneity and Rei’s own brand of peculiarity. Rin realized very quickly (when they begin hanging out again) that Makoto was more senpai-like than Haru and himself had been to those first years. And that also had Rin feeling a bit resentful, at Makoto and himself both.

It was even worse with Gou. Rin had known, ever since Gou had told him about her joining the Iwatobi Swim Club, that Makoto and Gou must spend a lot of time together.   He had never really seen that as being a big deal though, and as he was involved in the Samezuka side of things – not to mention bogged down by his issues – he certainly never saw much of them at all. But ever since he was reunited with his old friends, Rin found himself plagued with a sense of insecurity that refused to go away no matter how he reasoned against.

The matter of Makoto’s interactions with Haruka, and with Nagisa and Rei, he could still wave off. At the end of the day, they were friends. There was a certain distance between them that made it easier to ignore how much it bothered Rin that Makoto was closer to them, to Haruka, than he was. It was like fussing over someone else’s foot that’s stepped on a thorn as opposed to stepping on a thorn himself, or so Rin told himself.

With Gou, however, it was personal and it poked and prodded at a small part of him that had always been aware that he’d stopped being a good big brother a long time ago until that small part was whispering loudly in his ears every time Makoto was beside Gou.

The moment Rin began noticing Makoto, too, was the moment he realized Makoto was being a better  brother than he was. It was a simple gesture and over hotpot, of all things; Makoto handing Gou her own bowl and chopsticks and, later, placing meat items, and mushrooms in her bowl at her request. Gou thanked him sweetly and it took Nagisa elbowing him for him to realize he’d been staring.

“Worried Mako-chan’s hitting on Gou-chan, Rinrin?” Nagisa had teasingly asked.

He’d sneered lightly and waved the question, and a giggling Nagisa, away. When the niggling feeling that he had to do something for Gou wouldn’t go away, however,  he took a clump of greens stewing from the hotpot and reminded Gou to eat her veggies.

There was a small feeling of satisfaction after that—even if Gou had frowned at him and grudgingly held her bowl for him to drop the vegetables in it – but it did little to silence the voice at the back of his mind.

_Makoto looks more like Gou’s older brother than you._

It hurt, the same way it had hurt to know his swimming talent (possibly) only extended so much.

 

* * *

 

If there was one thing Rin learned after the relay, then it was that there was nothing good to be had from keeping your problems to yourself. Friends were there to listen to you and to help you – if they can- but even just having them listen to you was worlds better than just braving it and coming up with solutions on your own. Look where that got him? Four years of strained relationships with friends and family, and a possible early-onset of wrinkles from scowling so much.

So when he began entertaining the idea of skipping the next joint practice with the Iwatobi Swim Club just because of the prospect of seeing Makoto interact with the others – Gou and Haruka, more importantly – he knew something was up and he had better cull the problem at its root before it grew worse.  He decided to do something about it.

And that something involved standing in front of the Tachibana household’s porch in the middle of winter.

“Ara, you’re….”  Makoto’s mother had opened the door for him and she had a confused look on her face when she realized she didn’t recognize him immediately. But she did after a few moments of deep thinking, “You’re Matsuoka Rin, aren’t you? From Makoto’s swim club before….”

Rin nodded.  “Yes…. Ma’am.  Is Makoto home?”

Makoto’s mother nodded and stepped aside to welcome him into the genkan. “He’s upstairs. I’ll let him know you’re here. Would you like something to—“

Suddenly, she was interrupted by the sound of someone rushing down the stairs and a high-pitched voice. “Haru-niichan! Haru-nii—“

“Ran! --”

A small girl, no older than ten, stood at the middle of the flight of stairs, frowning at Rin like he had two heads. Sooner than later, a boy followed after her in the same way and had the same look for Rin. He spoke and Rin couldn’t help but note the disappointment in that voice : “You’re not Haru-niichan….”

“Ren! What did I tell you about running down the stairs?” came the stern admonition from their mother and, it seemed to Rin, that she momentarily forgot Rin’s presence at the door.

But Rin didn’t go unnoticed for long. Makoto appeared from the top of the stairs, probably to see what the commotion was about, and when he saw Rin, he had a look of surprise on his face. Or at least, he did before he schooled his expression and gave him a warm smile. Rin noticed that he had glasses on and though he’d known that Makoto wore glasses (and had heard him and Rei talk about purchasing glasses together) he had to admit he was also surprised to see Makoto really wore them.

“Rin!”

“Oh, Makoto—good timing! Rin is here to see you. Would you look after him?“ Makoto’s mother turned to Rin again, remembering him finally. “Oh look at me, forgetting to ask you to step in. Please, Rin. It must be cold outside.”

Rin hadn’t minded at all but when Makoto’s mother smiled so warmly at him, he found he could only nod and bow his head when he entered in. As he removed his shoes at the genkan (and Makoto’s mother closed the door behind him), Makoto was there in front of him with a pair light blue slippers. He laid it out on the main floor in front of Rin for him to slip in.

“Thanks,” Rin said quietly after slipping into the slippers provided and when he looked up to Makoto, he saw the amusement  behind the brunet’s glasses. “What?” he frowned.

“Nothing,” Makoto said, shaking his head. He led him towards the stairs. “My room is upstairs- though you probably knew that already.” As they did, Rin caught a glimpse of the Tachibana household’s living room. As if Makoto read his mind, the brunet told him, “Dad uses the living room as his workspace in the evenings so it isn’t free. Sorry about that. – Though, if you want, we can always speak outside. Is this about Haru?”

Rin started and then frowned again at being so thoroughly read. Or guessed. Whatever it was that Makoto did, Rin didn’t like it much. “It’s not about Haru,” he answered defensively. “And your room’s fine. Lead the way.”

“Niichan….” Ren or Ran- Rin wasn’t entirely sure but the girl who was, by then, at the foot of the stairs and beside her mom along with her brother, whined.

“I’m sorry, we’ll have to finish our game later. I have to speak with Rin-niichan.”

“But when he leaves, can we play some more?” the boy asked this time. His voice was unmistakeably hopeful.

Makoto laughed. “If it isn’t too late, we will.”

“It’s a promise, okay?” the boy asked again and then he was eyeing Rin suspiciously. As if he was saying, you better not take too long.

In Rin’s head, he was answering back: I’m going to be however long I want to be.

Makoto tugged at him before he could get into a full-fledged glaring match with the younger boy.

“Let’s go, Rin.”

 

* * *

 

Makoto’s room was normal. Rin had never wondered what Makoto’s room was like before but standing inside it, he felt as if it was ‘just as he thought it would be’.

“Make yourself at home,” Makoto said as he padded towards the TV at one end of the room and switched it off. Before he did, Rin caught a sight of what was on the screen and, if he wasn’t mistaken, it had a fish with arms and legs holding an axe and standing next to what looked like trees…  “We were playing Deep Sea Crossing just now.”

Rin nodded uninterestedly. It’s not like he would have asked, anyway, but he wasn’t going to berate Makoto for volunteering information.

“Oh, and please take a seat. Anywhere is fine.”

Rin looked around- he didn’t particularly want to sit on Makoto’s bed – and was thankful to find two stools beside it. He took one and sat on it.

Makoto sat on his bed, probably because it was closest to Rin.

“So… what you wanted to talk with me about….”

“Don’t look at me like that, it’s not about Haru,” Rin repeated himself. “It’s… something else.”

Makoto didn’t say anything at that. If he was anything like Rin, he’d have said something witty at himself, but Makoto patiently watched with a serious expression. There was something annoying about that and it was enough to make Rin want to leave and tell Makoto it was all nothing.

He didn’t; he knew that wouldn’t get him anywhere. Instead, he sighed and looked down. He didn’t dare look to Makoto as he spoke and he did so in a quiet voice.

“I need your help,” he admitted, sounding a tad bit too helpless for his liking. Or maybe he was just nitpicking because he felt so vulnerable when he said that. Admitting failure without letting his emotions get at him was still something he was working on.

Makoto, thankfully, didn’t say anything. No ‘about what’ or something else to fill the silence. If Makoto did say anything, Rin didn’t know if he could have kept himself from snapping at him.

His right hand balled into a fist on top of his knee as he continued. “With myself… I mean. Being better…. A better brother, for example.”

“I… don’t understand, Rin.”

“ I- “ Rin snapped his head up. He wanted to tell Makoto then how much he- Makoto – annoyed him whenever he saw him, how much Makoto made him realize how shitty a brother he’d become, how much Makoto made him feel suddenly inadequate to his friends…. But the look of genuine concern on Makoto’s face stopped him short, and he continued in a subdued voice. “I just… need your help—“ he exhaled shallowly. “- Just. Help with …. How … I don’t know!“ His voiced rose in frustration then and he immediately felt sorry for that, but when he looked at Makoto, he found the brunet unaffected by his outburst. He continued, “I just…. Want to watch you.”

“… huh?” Makoto blinked in confusion.

“Not like that, damnit, Makoto!” Rin’s cheeks colored then and he wasn’t sure if it was because he’d raised his voice again or because of how that previous statement came out. “I just…. I noticed how you were with Gou…” he said quietly, “I want to know…. How to be like that.”

He let out long exhale then and somehow felt as if he’d let go of a huge load on his chest.

Makoto looked thoughtful then and Rin didn’t envy him for having to come up with a response to him. Rin sure as hell didn’t know how to be helped, or what he would say to someone if they told him what he’d just said.

It took a while but, finally, Makoto opened his mouth. Rin waited—only for a creak to have him turning to the door. It was ajar.

“Mako-niichan….” A voice sounded from the other side of the door and Makoto was sighing as he stood up.

“Sorry about that, I’ll deal with them in a bit…” Makoto whispered as he passed Rin to get to the door.

“Ren! I told you to wait!—“ Rin heard Makoto say in hushed tones.

“But Mako-niichan…. “

“It was Ren’s idea, Mako-niichan—“ A girl’s voice sounded. “He said the two of you might be playing and that we should try and convince you to let us watch!”

“We weren’t playing anything! Rin and I were just talking, I promise…”

“Will you be done soon?”  the boy’s voice was pleading. Makoto turned to look back at Rin before turning to his siblings who were behind the door.

“No. Rin-niichan and I have something important to talk about. I don’t think we’ll be done for a while. I’m sorry. We’ll continue our work for the golden axe tomorrow. Will that be okay?”

“Oh… okay.”

Hearing the dejection in the children’s voices, Rin suddenly felt just a bit sorry for being there and keeping them from whatever they wanted to do with Makoto. He thought then that, maybe, they could have this conversation some other time.

He got up, something that Makoto heard immediately because he was turning back to him.

“Rin?”

“It’s okay, I’ve said what I wanted to say. We can talk again some other time…”

He heard Makoto’s siblings cheer in unison, though it was silenced immediately.  He thought he heard Makoto call their names quietly.

When Rin opened the door wider to step out, Ren and Ran rushed in and took their places on the small bean bags in front of the TV.

Rin couldn’t help but throw them a bit of a glare before turning away and stepping out of the room. He headed for the stairs, hands dug into his coat pocket. Before he could start downwards, though, Makoto stopped him.

“Wait, Rin….”

“I said we can talk about this some other time…. Unless- you’re not …. Willing to.” Rin looked away.

“No, I mean—“ Makoto walked closer to him. He smiled at Rin and suddenly, Rin felt like Makoto had something devious up his sleeve. That smile was unnervingly disarming. “—would you like to stay and play with us?”

Rin did a double take. “Huh?”

“You said…. You said you wanted to watch me.”

“I said I didn’t mean in that way…..” Rin frowned.

“I know… I just- I had a thought. I don’t know how to help you. Not… really. But if you want to watch—you can watch me with Ren and Ran. Maybe you’ll learn something, maybe you won’t…. either way, the twins will probably appreciate having someone else to play with in Free! Fighter.”

“Free! Fighter…?”

“A fighting game,” Makoto explained. “They like to play it sometimes. Especially when Haru’s around—I’m kind of a pushover when it comes to fighting games so…. You can say they get bored of beating me over and over again. So… will you?”

Rin eyed the open door to Makoto’s room and then Makoto who waited on his answer.

He didn’t really know how he would benefit from it but somehow, he was walking back to Makoto’s room. Makoto followed, smiling brightly and when they were in the room, he said:

“Rin’s decided to stay and play with us. I hope you don’t mind…”

 

* * *

 

Two hours later, Rin found himself sitting at the foot of Makoto’s bed with a sleeping Ran leaning on his shoulder. Ren, who was draped around Makoto’s shoulders was still awake but nodding off and struggling (and losing) against impending sleep.

“Just…. One… more. I wanna see Rin-niichan fight you again…. It’s actually …. A fair… fight… this time….”

Rin shot him a glare which Makoto seemed to notice because he grinned at Rin knowingly. It stung a little to be compared to Makoto like that, especially when Makoto had admitted he was shit compared to the siblings when it came to Free! Fighter. Excelling at a videogame wasn’t top of Rin’s list but it was still annoying coming from a grade-schooler.

Makoto didn’t answer and, Rin realized, it was because he knew. Moments later, Ren was out like a light.

“Do they always fall asleep like this…?” Rin gestured to the girl sleeping beside him.

Makoto carefully laid Ren flat on his bed. Then he nodded at Rin. “Only when they have someone else to play with. Haru and I usually end up carrying them to their room when he comes over.” Makoto paused and then smiled warmly at him. “You did well, by the way.”

“Huh?”

“With Ren and Ran. They like you, I think.”

“Huh. What makes you think that?” Ren had taunted his gaming skills repeatedly in those two hours and Ran had giggled at him as she watched. It didn’t seem that they liked him at all. Especially when they kept on chattering about how ‘Haru-niichan this, Haru-niichan that….’. It took a lot of his patience not to yell at them or throw down the controller in frustration. When Rin agreed to this, being talked down by a grade-schooler hadn’t been what he was expecting to happen.

“They stayed, didn’t they? Kids are a lot more honest than adults, I think if they didn’t enjoy playing with you, they would have left earlier. “

Rin sneered and got up from the floor.

Makoto lifted Ren from the bed and carried him in his arms. “I’m going to put the two of them to bed, can you wait-“

“I’ll help,” Rin offered. Much to his annoyance, Makoto smiled again.

“Thanks,  Rin.”

Rin took a deep breath and then stared at Ran’s sleeping form. He realized that he had no idea how to move her without waking her up.

“It’s alright, the twins are heavy sleepers. You won’t wake them unless you really want to wake them up. “

“I… “ Rin looked to Ran and sighed. He didn’t trust himself to do it right but if Makoto thought so then…. If Ran woke, he told himself, that was Makoto’s problem and not his. As carefully as he could, and holding his breath as first, he scooped Ran into his arms. When she was settled and Rin ascertained that she was still asleep, he released that breath.

Makoto motioned for him to follow him, which Rin did.

After tucking the twins into their beds, Makoto and Rin returned to Makoto’s room. It was then that Makoto realized the time.

“Wait, don’t you have curfew, Rin?!” Makoto asked with some panic.

Rin shrugged. “I’ll sneak back. It’s not a problem.”

“Oh…” Makoto’s shoulders sagged. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

There was a beat of silence.

“Did you… learn anything?” Makoto asked quietly. “I mean I- I don’t really know what you want to learn…. Ren and Ran- I guess they’re different from Gou… “

“Yeah.”

“And it’s different when your sibling’s just a year younger but…. I was hoping….”

Rin had taken to leaning against one of the walls. He crossed his arms. “I don’t know if I learned anything but…. “ he looked away, embarrassed. “Thanks for trying to help.” He paused for a moment and then added with a snort, “I did learn a combo today. Not sure how much help that’d do.”

Makoto laughed. “Well, if you want to visit again… that’d help a lot.”

Rin cracked a tiny smile at that but said nothing.

“I’m willing to help, Rin,” Makoto said then, seriously. “I know how hard it must’ve been for you to come here like this… and I’m happy you did. I don’t really know what really brought you here but…” Makoto seemed to think when he paused. “I- you’re welcome to come anytime. Or to ask me anything. You can email me and I’ll answer as soon as possible.”

“Makoto…”

“I- Haru-chan and me… and the others too, none of us want you go through what you did before again. So if you think I can help you- I’ll do that. Just don’t… hesitate, okay?”

Rin turned away, feeling guilty suddenly. Makoto’s words reached somewhere deep inside him but it also had the unintended effect of reminding him how much this person dredged up so much resentment in him. Even now, he felt a little bit angry because Makoto was being Makoto- and it honestly felt like being looked down a bit.

He exhaled slowly and tried to stamp those dark feelings of resentment out. “I… I’ll try,” he managed to say without looking at Makoto.

 

* * *

 

The next day, Makoto sent him an email during lunch time.

It read: ‘Today at breakfast, Ren asked if you’ll visit again sometime.  I told you they liked you :)’

He didn’t realize he was smiling until Nitori asked him if he was reading something funny.

He told him no.

 

* * *

 

A week later, Rin dropped by again. He wasn’t exactly sure why. By then, he’d come to a conclusion by then that Ren and Ran were both hardly representatives for Gou.

Haru was already there when he arrived. There, in Haruka’s usually impassive face, a look of confusion and surprise seemed to pass for a moment. He didn’t say anything but Makoto was answering for him anyway.

“Rin needs help with something, that’s why he’s here…” Makoto explained.

Haru turned to look at Makoto questioningly.

“It’s nothing seriously, don’t worry, Haru-chan.”

Haru turned to look back at Rin and then, as if he’d decided on something, began walking to the door.

“Haru-chan….?” Makoto followed after Haruka though he stopped right before coming to the genkan.

When Haru passed by Rin, he gave him a look that Rin wasn’t sure he understood.

“Ah, he left…”

“What was that about….?” Rin asked to no one in particular.

“I guess he’s worried about you too,” Makoto suggested.

Rin couldn’t help but snort. It wasn’t that he thought Haruka was incapable of shows of concern, he just…. Didn’t think that was one.

“That’s-“

“Haru-niichan, Haru-niichan—oh, it’s you,” Ren came running from the livingroom. He crossed his arms across his chest and gave Rin an unimpressed look. “So are you staying to play?”

“Maybe,” Rin answered noncommittally.

 

* * *

 

Rin did. Though, this time, their session lasted far shorter. Rin expressed his intention to get home early and, before they could whine, Makoto explained to them how Rin’s school was far away.

“Can’t he sleep over like Haru-niichan does?”  Ran asked.

“No, because Rin-niichan has to follow his school’s rules,” Makoto explained.

Ren and Ran had boo’d but they marched off to their rooms anyway.

“I’ll walk you to the station, Rin,” Makoto offered after that to which Rin snorted.

“It’s eight pm and I’m not a girl, Makoto.”

“I thought we could talk on the way. If we talked here, the twins would just barge in again and ask for an encore.”

“You know them that well, huh?” Rin said with some resentment. He wondered if Makoto caught on that but if he did, he didn’t show.

“Yeah.”

“There’s nothing to talk about,” Rin huffed.

“Alright.” Makoto said with a smile, as if he was agreeing with Rin. But hew knew Makoto thought he had something to ask.

Even if Rin wanted to prove Makoto wrong, he found that he couldn’t keep from asking. Especially when Makoto was doing it to him right then. That whole knowing what you wanted to do and anticipating it.

“How do you do it?” Rin asked finally, coming to a halt. He glared at the pavement underneath them.

“Hm?”

“Know what Haru means without every saying it- heck, know what everyone seems to want!” His voice raised in the last of his words and Rin sighed, remembering to control his temper.

“I don’t kno—“ Makoto stopped himself. “I don’t really know what everyone wants, Rin. I just guess.”

Rin couldn’t help but laugh derisively at that. “Guess? You can guess what Haru means just by looking at that face?”

Makoto shook his head. “It’s not like that, Rin.”

“Then tell me how it is!”

“Rin….” Makoto’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked, to Rin then, like a puppy begging to be treated kindly. Rin managed to remember to calm himself down but he turned away from Makoto’s face anyway because it honestly annoyed him right then.

“I don’t know Haru that well, Rin. But I know, for example, that when you’re there… Haru thinks of you first. So, I know, when you showed up – no, I thought he’d wonder about you, be worried even.”

Rin finally looked at Makoto again.

“Turns out I was right. But sometimes- sometimes I don’t know if I’m right, too. Haru doesn’t always make his thoughts known, even to me. “

Makoto took a deep breath. “It’s the same with everyone else, Rin. I just guess what they might want or need. And I don’t make big assumptions, not usually.  ”

“Just guessing…. ?” Rin asked quietly.

Makoto nodded.

“Based on… what? The situation?”

“Yeah….”

“This is stupid,” Rin muttered before turning away from Makoto and heading for the station without looking back.

Makoto didn’t follow.

Rin thought that was because Makoto thought he didn’t want to be followed.

He was damn right.

 

* * *

 

Makoto’s words stuck to him, though.  As stupid as he thought it was, he found himself wanting to try it. He got his chance the next Iwatobi-Samezuka joint training.

Rin looked at Gou and when she heaved a deep sigh, he wracked his brains for what Gou might be thinking.

“Are you tired, Gou….? ”

“It’s Kou—Huh?“ And then she stopped herself and began blinking at Rin confusedly. “Are you okay?” she asked, eyebrows furrowing just a bit. Rin immediately knew he’d gotten it wrong.

Worse than that, though, was the feeling that his younger sister was totally taken off guard by his concern. As if he was never concerned for her.

“It’s nothing,” Rin answered brusquely and stormed off.

“Oniichan,” Gou called after him but he didn’t look back.

 

* * *

 

Later that evening, Rin sent Gou an email.

‘I’m sorry about earlier,’ he wrote. He wanted to explain that he was just trying something new but decided against it. That would probably make his actions earlier seem worse. It’d probably just come out that he wasn’t really concerned about Gou, just eager to be more like Makoto.

‘You didn’t really do anything wrong….. ’ Gou responded in minutes.

Rin didn’t have any answer for that and had the mind to leave the conversation at that. But then Gou followed up with another email.

‘You were just a bit strange…. Is there anything wrong…? :( ‘

Gou’s response somehow irritated Rin. But when Rin moved to write up a response to her, he realized he didn’t know what to say.

She was probably right. He was being strange.

Strange was, sadly, him trying to be better.

He replaced Gou’s email address in the address field and selected Makoto’s email address there.

‘It’s not working,’ he typed and hit send.

Makoto didn’t respond and somehow that irritated Rin even more. He tossed his phone to his bed, frustrated.

 

* * *

 

Rin tried it with Nitori next. He thought, at this point of time, he probably knew Nitori better than he knew the young woman his sister had grown into.

His correspondence with Gou when he was in Australia had been limited. Rin had rarely ever bothered to respond to Gou’s mail, in part because he didn’t want to admit the numerous setbacks and disappointments he was facing at school, and eventually, Gou had stopped mailing him. He went home during the New Years and that was close enough to his birthday to forego birthday cards.

It was better with Nitori. When he saw him cramming for a test the next day, he thought Nitori might need some caffeine in his system. That would be helping him, right?

At least, he thought back to how Makoto would thoughtfully provide what his friends needed. What he needed and how Makoto would know when to leave him alone….

Nitori had been surprised and while he accepted his offering of canned coffee gratefully, a look of confusion seemed to pass on Nitori’s face.

‘Why is Rin-senpai being so nice suddenly?’  Rin thought he heard.

He wisely excused himself after that and ran away the feeling that he was being stupid.

He didn’t text Makoto that time.

 

* * *

 

Rin’s failures made him even more hyperaware of Makoto. Whenever Makoto expressed his concern for others and was welcomed for it, Rin felt a little bit more resentful. He knew he was being petty, that this was his insecurities finding another source to grow from, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t help but be angry and jealous of Makoto at the same time. Why was it so easy for Makoto to be like that and not be looked at like something was wrong?

Why was it different for Rin?

The frustrations mounted inside him until Rin was sure he’d blow up anytime. And he was afraid- afraid that when it did he’d do something irreversible, or at least, that it’d break whatever it was he’d begun to build after the regionals. Or that he’d hurt someone. He came close last time, with Haru. Had always been so close to doing something he might regret, only he wasn’t thinking of that then. He was now, though.

He went to Makoto’s again, but Makoto wasn’t home yet. Ren and Ran were though.

“I’ll come back next time,” he said quietly when Ren told him his brother was out.

“Hey, Rin-niichan. Do you wanna play some games?” As he turned to leave, Ren called out after him.

“Huh?”

“Play with me and Ran….”

He turned around, annoyed. “I don’t-“ He stopped when he saw the worried look on Ren’s face. He realized then that he was asking him not because they wanted to have some fun but because they wanted him to have fun. Did he look that bad off?

“Rin-niichan…” Ran followed after Ren, giving him the same worried look.

Rin found himself sighing and smiling in spite of himself. “Fine,” he said.

Ren and Ran smiled brightly as they welcomed him back into their house.

 

* * *

 

By the time Makoto came home, Ren and Ran were sound asleep, sandwiching Rin as they leaned against both of sides of his shoulders.

Rin shot him a glare when it looked like he was about to laugh at the sight.

“They insisted I play while waiting for you,” Rin explained and then after a beat, and while he carefully avoided Makoto’s eyes. “Help me get out. I haven’t been able to move since they fell asleep.”

Makoto did let out a chuckle at that and Rin glared at him some more. Carefully, Makoto lifted Ran off the ground and then carried her off to her bed in the other room. When he had finished with that, he did the same with Ren. All the while, Rin waited in his room.

Unlike the last time this happened, Rin didn’t feel like helping Makoto.

“I’m sorry for making you wait so long. I was at Haru’s… he was helping me with my English assignment. I thought that if I had him help me here, the twins would insist on playing with us anyway.”

Rin grunted in response and he heard Makoto close the door behind him. He thought that was a sad excuse, he’d seen Haru’s English grades and they were nothing to write home about. If Makoto had needed help with English, he was the better option. But of course, Makoto wouldn’t want to ask Rin- of all people- for help.

Makoto seemed to sense Rin’s indifference to making idle chat because he got to what he thought was bothering Rin.

“It’s… not working out?”

Rin sneered. “No. Am I that bad, Makoto? If I do anything remotely thoughtful, they ask me if something’s wrong,” he hissed his last words. “I asked Gou what she was up to one time and she threw the question back at me and asked me if something was wrong. Just- why?! Why is it so-“

Rin got up and began making strides to the door.

“Nevermind. I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Rin!”

Rin made for the stairs- he scaled them as quietly as he could considering how late it was—and then left the house. Once he was outside, he realized Makoto had been following him. Only, now that they were outside, he was able to call after him more loudly.

“Rin, talk to me! Please.”

“There’s nothing to talk about! I’m a failure, okay? A failure at being a brother- a failure at everything- actually-“ Rin stopped, spinning on his heels to shoot Makoto a glare. “I just—I keep finding reasons to hate myself. I can’t…. there’s no solution for that. And I’m not going to ask one of you.” He spun around.

“No.” Makoto reached to grab him by his wrist and to keep him from running off. “I won’t let you leave like that. Hear me out, Rin.”

Rin kept his eyes off Makoto.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“If there isn’t, then why can’t I do anything right?!”

“That’s because-“ Makoto sighed. “Because there’s nothing wrong with you, Rin.”

Rin sneered and tried to yank his hand free from Makoto but the bigger boy held tight.

“I mean- you’ve always been good the way you are. After the relay, when you were back your old self—or close to it. That was enough. There’s nothing wrong with you…. Rin…”

“You’re telling me this now?”

“Yes- I made a mistake, Rin! I should have told you then… then that you’re alright the way you are. You’re not thoughtless, you care for Gou enough, Haru likes you the way you are- I-… I like you the way you are, Rin. You’re not me… you’re you, Rin. And we- we like you the way you are right now.”

“You- all of you – you like someone who doesn’t ask what’s wrong enough. Who doesn’t notice when his sister’s – doesn’t know what his sister’s up to. Doesn’t…  care for others enough because … I’m too busy thinking of myself.” Rin snapped his arm away from Makoto and this time the brunet did let go. As much as he wanted to, though, Rin didn’t run.

Instead he talked.

“I hated it. Hated how watching you made me feel so inadequate. So useless. And I realized, just like with Haru- I wanted to change…. And I tried- I reached out to you. I didn’t want to hate you…. But it’s not working….”

Rin grit his teeth and tried to fight back the tears. It was embarrassing wanting to cry like this but he felt so weak and stupid. Because a part of him knew he was being stupid – obsessing over something he had no real control of was stupid – and yet here he was doing it anyway.

Before the tears could fall, Makoto pulled him in close. Huge warm arms enveloped his slighter frame. Being hugged like that made Rin want to protest on reflex, but Makoto’s warmth had a certain calming effect to it and so, Rin ended up letting him.

“It’s alright. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel inadequate. For making it seem like you could change- “ Rin frowned and tried to pull away, but Makoto held him tighter. “Because you didn’t need to. You don’t know it, but you do care. You frown and you’re snide about it sometimes, but we all know and see that you do care. And that’s fine. Rin is Rin. Just like Haru is Haru- you’re you. And I should’ve told you that then.”

“How do you know that, huh?” Rin muttered angrily.

“I know because…. Because I watch you too. I-“ Makoto voice seemed to shrink. “I said I liked you the way you are and… I’m not just saying that to make you feel better, Rin. I- I really, really do.”

“Really?”

Rin pushed Makoto back and this time, instead of holding onto him tighter, Makoto let him pull away from the hug. And then they were staring at each other, face to face. Rin thought then that he could see a faint blush on Makoto’s face, but it was much too dark in the streets to tell.

“R-really…. “ Makoto repeated.

“I don’t believe you… that everyone else…” Rin looked away.

“Then try it, Rin. For a few weeks, I want you to watch us. Be yourself. Don’t think about comparing yourself to me. Or to anyone. You’re better than that… you-“ Makoto smiled. “You shouldn’t compare yourself with anyone else. I think you’re…. great the way you are.”

Makoto reached for one of his hands and then squeezed it in his.

“Please. I know I told you I guess about things- but this one…. This one I know so. Please believe me.”

 

* * *

 

Rin walked home without saying anything else, or looking back at Makoto that night. Makoto did the same, letting Rin walk away in mutual silence. But in the weeks that followed, Rin did just as Makoto had told him.

Now, though, whenever he looked at Makoto— as if to look at him and find reasons to compare himself to him – the brunet seemed to notice.

Then Makoto would smile at him.

And seeing that smile somehow reminded him that it was alright. Or at least, it effectively threw him off from his feelings of self-pity.

It still left him feeling a bit angry at Makoto, because he knew Makoto knew how that smile would make him think.

But Rin knew it was going to be okay.

 

* * *

 

Rin eventually learned how to beat Ren in Free! Fighter.  But Rin still had a long way to go when it came to figuring out the real reason for Makoto’s smile.

 

  


**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to Sterlyn and Lee Isidor for reading through this for me and helping me figure out what I wanted to do with is fic. And ACDragonMaster who went through parts of it with me and painstakingly cp'ed parts to show me what I should change (even with a broken arm :( ).


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